I’m tired of fake.
I don’t want to make small talk anymore.
I want to have real conversations with REAL people. Not the person you try to make everyone believe is existing behind that smile.
Ultimately, I am speaking to myself.
Recently, Jesus has been drawing me out. My desires, hopes, dreams, and yes, even struggles. The “s” word.
I realized I haven’t had deep relationships with people because ultimately I haven’t been real.
Oh, I’m real with my 2 best friends and the family I live with because they are safe.
Can I really let my lifegroup in though? Can I really let those people in that I don’t even know but say hi to a bazillion times at church? Can I even let my family in – sometimes that’s even scarier because they’ve known you the longest…and you are stuck with them.
I had a face to palm moment when I finally started expressing my true feelings about things and opening up a little with my struggles (yes, I know its hard to believe…I am human.) – One girl commented about it “I haven’t seen you so passionate about anything before” …………. it wasn’t even that big.
I HAVE PASSIONS AND DREAMS AND I GET ANGRY AT TIMES.
Can you relate?
This is my heart-cry.
I will be real. I don’t care if I am misunderstood or judged. It’s ok if people give me blank stares when I am open and vulnerable about my struggles and then try to fix me. It’s also ok if you like what you see.
In the end it doesn’t really matter. Because my worth and security isn’t in your opinion of me – its in God. God is my rock, my firm foundation. I can try and fill that hole in my heart that only God can fit all day long with people’s kind words, affirmation, and friendship – but its only going to leave me empty. Even if everyone in my life thought I was amazing, it would still leave me empty.
I HAVE to go to Jesus. I can’t survive without HIS words, HIS love, HIS filling.
Intimacy with Jesus. That is the key. That’s what has brought my head out of the little hole that it was in to realize, “oh, I am not being real.”
Security in God has allowed me to start being real with first myself and now others.
Its being comfortable with my struggles, weaknesses, AND strengths and beauty. I have both.
God made ME to be his light to other people. He specifically made me to release him in a special way to those around me, to this earth during this time. I can’t do that if I’m pretending to be something I’m not.
I am not releasing the fullness of God in my life when I pretend nothing is wrong with me. When I don’t let other people in. When I believe the lies from the devil that I am annoying, unwanted, and ugly.
NO. I will believe the truth that I am made clean, whole and alive in Christ. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That I lack NO good thing. That I have the mind of Christ. That I am his workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works. That God has good plans for me and redeems EVERYTHING.
As humans we are messy, and we need each other.
I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines and using the excuse that I’m introverted and have nothing left to give anyone at the end of the week. I don’t want to look at my life and see that I didn’t invest in others and only kept to myself.
Even if no one responds to my invitations to connect (which I sincerely hope that people do…) I’m not going to let that stop me from pursuing my community.
It is my prayer that we can be a people who pursue each other. Who are honest and real with one another and don’t just keep to ourselves. Who aren’t afraid to be the people we were made to be. To stop apologizing for who we are and just walk in confidence in the fact that we are wholly loved and cherished by the King of Kings.
I want to be deeply known, then loved and accepted in that place.
Will you join me?
One Comment Add yours
Good stuff Bri! Been walking this path for several years and it is still tough sometimes. Being real, when insecure, is scary. I want to only care what God thinks of me. But the frightened and awkward child in me still cares too much what others think and needs their praise and approval. People perceive me to be outgoing, an extrovert. On the inside I die in crowds, when meeting new people, when stepping into a circle of friends who are mid-conversation and in so many other situations. He has radically worked in me and is healing me, more and more every day. There are moments when I am unaware of other’s opinions and am 100% transparent, Honestly though, my only place of total security is when I am preaching or teaching and am moving, seeing, speaking in the Spirit. At that moment I care only about delivering His message and making sure I am true to His leading. At those times I have peace beyond description. 🙂