No one likes to hear that they aren’t doing something the right way.

I don’t like to hear “No, I want you to stay in this hard place.” or that I may have hurt someone.

I especially don’t like to hear that I’m actually quite selfish.

It’s true though. I’m really selfish.

That’s probably true for a lot of people. It’s kind of a human thing.

I just had probably one of the hardest few weeks of my life thus far. It was one of those few weeks where you start questioning everything about your life – God’s goodness, if you are doing or did the right thing/made the right decisions to bring you where you are now, and if you can really make it.

It shook me at my core. All I could do was cling to God. In those moments of utter desperation, there really isn’t much you can do.

That’s when it starts dawning on you that it’s not actually what you can do. It’s all about what God can do.

I am under the impression now that God deliberately lets our strength fail and gives us more than we can handle so that we can see just how much we aren’t actually relying on his strength.

I’m one of those “figure it out” and “I can do anything” type of people. I’m intelligent, have a lot of different skills and am one of those friends that all her girlfriends call to come and kill the bug, fix something that’s broken, or give advice. It’s a big strength of mine and I’m realizing how big of a weakness it has been too.

Oh, I’ve been SO good at not needing God. I’ve also been so good at believing that I actually was relying on him too.

This lie that, “If I don’t do it, no one else will.” was wedged real deep.

Self-sufficiency and Control – they are not your friends. I repeat, they are not your friends.

In the midst of the hardest set of circumstances I have yet faced in my life, I realized how much control I do not have. I have zero control over my life. Oh, I can plan until the cows come home – and its finally dawning on me that nothing ever turns out the way I plan. So where did I get this idea that I was in control?

God, in his infinite wisdom and love, saw me in my mess and said, “I love you too much to let you not live the full life I have designed for you to live. You are suffering in unknown ways, thinking that you are actually living, but really you are suffocating to death and I can’t stand by and watch anymore.”

He let my strength fail. He gave me more than I can handle. I had to cling to him with everything I had or I was going to die.

After the storm was over and all the truths I had to fight to hold on to – “He will never leave me nor forsake me,” “He is with me always,” “He meets ALL my needs,” “He has GOOD plans for me,” “He fights for me and commands his angels concerning me,” “Hope in the Lord and he will renew your strength,” all brought me to the deepest truth of all:

I am okay because I have Jesus. His truth is good, his gifts are good, but it all pales in comparison to him. This place of desperation he allowed me to be in was one of the greatest blessings he ever gave me – it allowed me to see that I wasn’t relying on him as I should have.

It brought me to an actual place of depending on God for everything. He stripped me down and laid me bare to show me the reality of things. I wasn’t relying on him, I wasn’t fully his, I was the king of my heart not God.

I have been praying so long to be free from worry and anxiety – I’ve always known that I wasn’t supposed to worry about tomorrow or worry at all – Jesus is very clear about that in the Bible – he commands us to not worry.

In the midst of the trial, I asked him to show me what he was trying to show me. I asked him to open the eyes of my heart, to give me the heart knowledge and not just know things in my head.

The answer came in me clinging to him with everything I had. It was in that act that he showed me, really showed me how to live. It was to simply cling to him and he would take care of the rest.

I literally could only show up – I literally had nothing to give anyone. No strength – emotionally and spiritually – it felt like I was dying. I could only show up and God did the rest. He didn’t let me down. He healed me.

He had to literally take me through the fire to give me the heart knowledge.

I get to just cling to him and he will take care of the rest. I only have this moment – I’m not even guaranteed the next moment let alone the next day. He really is going to take care of every single detail. He really is working everything for my good. Even if I have to stay in this hard place for forever, he knows what’s best for me. He is going to fill me with what I need. It’s not my job to protect myself or make sure I have everything I need – that’s his job.

I get to just keep my focus on Jesus and he will do the rest. I get to just be obedient to what he is saying and he will put everything I am supposed to be doing right in front of me. I get to just show up and he will do the rest. He is the one that takes care of everyone, he is the one that takes care of me, he is the one that is in control, he is the one that does it.

I don’t have to have everything all figured out. I don’t have to prepare for every contingency or possible “what if”. In fact, I’m not supposed to. I don’t have to carry everyone’s emotions and reactions – THAT IS JESUS’ JOB. I am not people’s savior, Jesus is.

“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30

Just cling to Jesus, he will literally take care of the rest. Wait for him to come through for you, because he will never let you down.

After all of this I felt like I emerged out of a black pit and was seeing daylight for the first time in ages. I don’t know all that God did through me, just that he did a lot and I will probably be unpacking things for years to come.

One thing he brought to my attention though was that I have not loved people that way that I should have been. Its interesting that this was the thing that came up after everything. It’s like he freed me from the things that were holding me back from my true potential and I am suddenly able to see that I was not loving/living the way I should be.

I realized that I haven’t been cherishing people, truly cherishing them. I’ve been too caught up with my own problems, needs, wants, and life. Oh, sure, part of me loved others unselfishly – but I’m realizing there was this, “What’s in it for me?” mentality and that grieves me deeply.

I want to love other people simply because they are worthy of love. I want to spend time with other people because I just want to spend time with them, not because I will get anything from it.

I want to spend time with God just to spend time with him, not because I will get something from spending time with him. I want to be in love with the giver of the gifts not just what I get from the relationship.

He is drawing me to a deeper level of loving and living and I am so excited to move forward with purer motives and to truly live the way he designed me to live – fully and completely and FREE. That’s where he wants to bring all of us.

I pray that he gives you the heart knowledge he is trying to give you. I pray that we all get out of God’s way and let him do what he needs to do. I pray that the hard times we are all going through aren’t made unnecessarily longer and harder because we are fighting God’s process of healing and growth. Have your way Lord and open the eyes of our hearts, let us be truly surrendered to you.