Cast off. Forgotten. Unseen. Unwanted. Undesirable. Blemished. Imperfect. My soul wrestles with these lies in the wake of rejection. In reality, it’s not really rejection, just an oversight. Just because I’m not the one chosen, doesn’t mean someone thought about being with me and then completely rejected the notion as undesirable and chose someone more worthy, beautiful, desirable.

More likely they just saw her and didn’t think twice about me.

WHAT THE CRAP. I am here. I exist. I am worthy of love. I am beautiful. Why can’t anyone see it?

Good Lord, you don’t even know that girl. You just saw she was pretty and she made a good impression on you because she is funny and outgoing and in the spotlight. Do you realize how shallow you are being? You and the 10 other guys that have asked her out?

Do you even know who is going to be compatible for you or are you just like every other guy letting his flesh dictate his actions?

If that’s the case, good riddance. I will wait for that guy that is more mature, out for more than what looks can give him. Oh, you think you’re not after that. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER. YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS QUIET AND INTROVERTED FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE AND SHE IS LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE.

Fool. Learn some wisdom, grow up and actually ask God who to ask out.

Okay, maybe I don’t know if they actually prayed about it. Wasn’t I just complaining about the number of guys who don’t ask girls out? Good job, now ask some that haven’t ever gotten asked out instead of the petite, pretty blonde girl who (in all reality is actually quite the catch) has gotten asked out by so many.

If we are really getting real, I’m actually jealous of the blonde girl. She is put together, beautiful, truly very lovely and funny. She is confident and sure of herself. She is hilarious, full of Jesus and a good friend.

Maybe I’m not as confident as I think I am. Maybe because she isn’t interested in all these guys, practically any actually, they are drawn to her because she isn’t putting off the “I want someone” vibe. Oh, she wants to get married for sure, but she is confident in her single-ness.

Maybe I’m not. Perhaps my insecurities are being worn on my sleeve and readable for all. They read my book and decide they don’t want anything to do with my mess. Potential suitors and friends alike. They see my mess and decide they don’t actually want to spend the time to find the gold in me. They just see the 2 things that aren’t in place and judge me based on those things.

They just see the insecure one. The one who isn’t quite sure if people like her and tries so hard to not be annoying because she wants so badly to be loved and accepted – all the while trying so hard not to be that way because that’s not how she is “supposed” to act.

She overcompensates and tries to never fail, never give people an opportunity to find fault and reject her. She makes sure everything is taken care of to the point where control becomes her idol and plans take the place of real life. She becomes critical and controlling, of situations and in essence, people because they aren’t cooperating with her carefully thought out plan where no surprises and messes can spring up and unveil the actually quite insecure girl who has everyone fooled – or so she thought.

Everyone has actually seen right through her and to the other side to the girl across the room who really is secure in who she is and knows her identity in Jesus.

Meanwhile I look longingly at that kind of security and ultimately that kind of attention. All the while knowing I won’t get it due to the fact that I want the security because of the attention. Of course God is blocking my way out of his infinite wisdom and love for me. He has the real deal for me and isn’t about to derail me when I am on the verge of some seriously good breakthrough.

He has been after my heart much longer than any guy ever will and has utterly claimed me for himself. He says, “No, she is mine first and foremost and no one else can have her until she completely makes her home in my love.” I must abide before he thrusts me into all he has created me for.

Isn’t he a loving God after all? Why would a loving God give me something that in the end will destroy me? THANK YOU GOD FOR BLOCKING MY WAY. I don’t want those things if they are in place of you. Just give me you. You are what I actually want. I am looking for acceptance and love and all the while that is found in you.

Because in reality, I am accepted and loved – wholly, completely, forever, without conditions and pre-requisites. He saw me and decided he wanted me. He picked me out from the crowd, noticed me and said, “It’s her. She is the one I want.” You didn’t see my mess, you saw my beauty. You saw my gold and said, “She is worth it. I must have her.” And you have stopped at nothing, will stop at nothing to have me.

Now she must believe it about herself, for herself. Not for anyone else, but for her. Because it’s simply truth. Because it can’t ever be taken away or nullified.

She is simply and profoundly loved and beautiful. She is worth-while and completely wonderful. Lovely. Pretty. Funny. Sexy. Fun.

She just has to believe it.

Are you really those things? What is stopping you from believing them? What is keeping you from making that connection in your heart and head?

Are there other things in the way? False beliefs and insecurities? Where am I finding my worth? In what or whom am I placing the weight of my acceptance and love – because it’s sadly not God if I can’t believe the truth. It means I’m waiting for someone to give it, and I’m also waiting for someone to take it away. Because if someone can give it, it can also be taken away making it unstable. That’s what happens when you find your worth in other people and things that you do – it’s not stable ground – it crumbles beneath the weight you try to place on it.

It’s as if I set myself up for failure. I am putting the weight of something too great for these people to hold and they crumble underneath it. They literally can’t hold me trying to get acceptance from them. They can’t give it to me – they crumble and when that happens, instead of love they give judgement and criticism – the exact opposite of what I am trying to get from them because they literally can’t give me what I am trying to get from them, what I am trying to put on them.

I ask them the question with my eyes, mannerisms and actions – am I acceptable? Do you find me funny? Do you think I’m pretty? Because I am unsure of these things, waiting for humans to answer my questions, it means I am not actually those things – the reason being I am letting those answers be dictated by everything around me. I am letting those questions be put up for discussion. I am holding being accepted in one hand and being rejected in the other, both are possibilities. Since I don’t want the rejected option to be picked, I try so hard to convince people to pick the accepted option.

But because I am asking that question, I will receive rejection. I will be let down. Simply because I am asking others that question – something they have no business giving to me and crumble beneath the weight of since they are not strong enough to carry it. That is the definition of foolishness.

No wonder this has been ending in tragedy. I’ve been setting myself up for un-happy endings and expecting a masterpiece. 2+2 does not equal 5.

Thank you Lord for not letting that work out. Because someone could have definitely taken it upon themselves, wrongly thinking they could answer that question for me, and in the end I would end up worse off because they simply aren’t strong enough to answer my heart questions.

God, I am so sorry for going to things other than you to get my worth questions answered. You are the only one strong enough to answer me. You are the only one worthy enough, strong enough, capable enough, true enough to give worth to my soul. A person’s action or inaction, notice or oversight, praise or disdain has no bearing on me because I am now taking it away from them. I am no longer asking them those questions. They can no longer answer me. They can no longer weigh in. Because those questions are now off the table, they are no longer up for discussion.

God, who do YOU say that I am? I am now giving you full rights to these questions. You own the rights to answer these for me. Your name is on the title and you get to have the only say. Who do I belong to? God – and he carries the sole authority over who Brianna is and what she is worth.

So, who am I God? Am I valuable? Am I funny? Am I beautiful? Am I desirable? Am I wanted? Do I have a place? Am I talented? Am I pretty? Am I noticed?

The answer is yes. Always yes. 100 times, 100% yes. Always and forever. No matter what. Because God is always and forever. God is constant. God never fails. God is strong enough. God is the ultimate, forever authority. He knows everything, sees everything, created everything and he says yes to all my questions. He meets me with worth. He meets me with value. He made me beautiful, it’s not even up for discussion – it’s just already a done deal. He says, “Why are you even questioning those things? They aren’t even a question, they aren’t even out on the table for discussion. Who told you that those things weren’t true? It was laid in the foundation of your very being. It can’t be taken away. Those questions were never meant to be asked. You = beautiful. You = valuable. You = talented. You = worth-while. You = mine. It’s like math, 2+2 can’t in a million years equal 5, just as you can’t equal ugly, worthless, alone, forgotten, unseen and any other lie the devil tries to convince you is true. 2+2 always equals 4 just like my truth. It just is as is my love for you, always and forever and strong enough for anything and everything you could ever think of to lay on me.”