Have you ever felt not good enough or that you are a failure?
I wanted to share a private journal entry I wrote this morning. I was coming to God for the umpteenth time, feeling pretty lifeless, numb and apathetic. Guilt and shame are quick to follow and quick to condemn for coming to God less than perfect.
God saw what was going on however and decided it was time to interrupt this cycle with a viewpoint of his own.
For a moment I got a glimpse of what God feels about me (and you). It’s not someone holding his breath desperately hoping I don’t mess up… waiting for me to fail again and quick to point out when I do. Not someone who has a checklist and isn’t pleased with with me unless I do all the things.
It actually reminded me of my grandma on my dad’s side (lol). She’s always thinking the best of us, quick to defend, quick to give grace. Slow to find fault, if ever. She counts down the days until we can spend time together, then cherishes every minute. She’s so proud of us and thinks we do such a good job. No one could convince her otherwise.
Loves me despite my shortcomings, if she sees them at all. If I’m having a hard time, she’s quick to absolve me from fault. Quick to see that it’s understandable.
That’s the feeling I got from God today.
I came to him feeling numb and apathetic and guilty for being and feeling that way. Instead of encountering a disapproving boss, I encountered my doting grandma who immediately felt for me.
He felt what I felt and his thought wasn’t that I was bad or doing something wrong, it was sorrow for my state. Not the kind that is a resigned sorrow when someone is beyond hope, it was the kind a parent feels when their precious one is in pain. The kind that wishes they could take away the pain, and when they can’t, care for them.
Meeting them where they are at, cradling them and whispering, “It’s going to be okay.” Taking care of what hurts.
All this time I thought I was doing something wrong, but instead he saw it as the world’s fault. Instead of guilt being heaped on me for allowing the cares of the world to bog me down, he understands the cares of the world make me feel numb and lifeless. That this world sucks the life out of me, never satisfied.
So, when I come to God, I am pretty much lifeless. I have nothing left. For so long, I’ve felt guilty and ashamed for bringing him my leftovers.
But, instead of getting angry or being disappointed with me for coming in this state, he wraps his arms around me with tears streaming down his face and says, “You’re here with me now, everything is going to be okay. I’ll set you right again.”
He gives his presence, unconditional love, acceptance and delight in just being with me – so proud that I mustered up the strength to bring what I had. That I rested on the promise that he is going to give me what I need.
He gives me water to drink, fills me with life, and refreshes my soul.
Here he was the whole time, waiting and eager for our moments together so that he could undo the damage the world has done to his precious one. He says, “Now that we’re together again, let me fix this for you.”
I get to just come as I am and he is ready and waiting to give me what I need.
There will be a time I can give something back, but for now, he is delighted to be the strong one for me.
Just as he is delighted to be the strong one for you too.
Obviously, there are many facets to God, I was delighted to get to know this one today.